Spnak.com

I have a dream that I will return to blogging and receive a rapturous return from my hundreds of adoring fans. They will await my every word, they will fawn over my every drop letter and drip over my misplaced semi colons (They have to be misplaced I dunno where to use em normally).

I have given those dreams and now blog just for the need to write something down now and again and If anyone reads it then have a blast. My blog will never go away. I have too much there to get rid of it… i just don’t have that much to say anymore. Maybe that will change now that I have more time on my hands. You see dear me.. I lost my job last week. I am now unemployed and for all intenets and purposes unemployable. When you can’t leave the house on your own it makes it a bit difficult to do a days work. I am pretty sure that they don’t allow you to bring your mum to work every day to keep the nasty people from looking at me and talking about me.

Am I downhearted?…. Nah. I knew it was coming I was just suprised it took em so long to do it. The kill was done swiftly enough… about Four weeks from start to finish and that included going to see a works doctor in the middle. If i was looking for another job about now I would be sweating it, but given my health issues work isn’t really a priority at the moment. Getting to a place where i can leave the house unaccompanied is what is on my mind at the moment.

I know I said I wasn’t going to be writing about my Bipolar on here any more but it seemed like the right thing to do and I am not really talking about it it’s just in the background as it always is. I have come to the realisation that no matter what I do I have to take into account the hallucinations, the voices and the paranoia first and then get into the right headspace to do what ever it was I needed to get done in the first place. Some would say it would just be as easy to not do anything and just be strange for the rest of my life…. hey it’s an option I have considered.. but I can’t afford the Tin foil for the hat and windows just yet, but I have a savings plan for it and my design for the tin foil hat is coming along nicely.

I have had an Elvis evening. I downloaded a 10 cd japanese boxset and have just gotten around to listening to some of the tracks of it. It’s the complete singles collection so It has all his well known stuff and stuff that I dug from growing up in a family full of Elvis fans. Looking back to my childhood, Elvis was everywhere. My Uncle Barry did an oil painting that hung on our living room wall for as long as I can care to remember. It was like those pictures of the Mother Mary Catholics have on thier walls, I almost prayed to that damn picture. When I was 7 or 8 I went away on a school camp and we had a talent night, and everyone had to do something … I did my Elvis impression… the kids didn’t get it but the Teachers dug my gyrating hips and snarl. They either got it or they were laughing at me for being a dork… in my present state of mind i think it was the latter HAHAHAHA.

Well that’s it from me for one night.

Until Next Time…

A snapshot of my mind

It’s been a tough few weeks for me but I won’t be commenting on my bipolar much here anymore. I have started a new blog just for my Bipolar ranting. If anyone is interested just drop me a comment and make sure you include your email address and i’ll send you the link.

Here’s to the fun times returning to spnak soon.

Until Next Time…

I been down so god-damn long… it looks like up to me….
I been down so Very very long… It looks like up to me…

I know Jim Morrison didn’t write that, but it was his version I was listening to last night and I’ll be damned if it’s not stuck in my head today. What makes it even more ironic is that I actually can relate to the emotion and the words of this song.

I started writing and it started to flow and t he all of a sudden I had written about the dark side again, about suicide and how it woudl all be so easy to end everything. It’s strange because I was and am writing at work and it’s very bitty the way I can write here. Calls always interupting the flow, but for some reason today it’s a constant stream of bullshit. I don’t want to feel the way I do, I want to feel the shiney happy people feelings.

OK I had to stop posting at work it got to busy, so now I am home and carrying on… not that you really needed to know that, but if it seems a little more disjointed than usual then there you have it.

(more…)

One of the hardest things about having Bi Polar is the medication you have to take to stay on an even keal. In me it saps all my creativity and leaves me a shell of the creative self I used to be.

Before I was diagnosed with Bi Polar and started on the cocktail of meds that I have been subjected to for the past three or so years I used to write poetry and had a wicked sense of humour (so I was told). I used to be spontanious and on the ball, now I have to plan my day around taking medication and remembering when to eat and general mundane everyday stuff.

When I do get a spark of poetic inspiration I tend to write quick. My only problem is that what I write is usually so dark it depresses me even more. I ocassionally think about giving up the medication just to see if I can get my old self back again, even if it’s just a diluted version, it would be better than this pathetic husk I have become.

You may well be asking why the pity party today. No Reason just to much time on my hands and nothing to watch on TV. It’s not really a pity party it’s more of a extrapolation of where my head is at at the moment. I am trying to bring some reason to my life and where I can move myself forward to. I am back to work tomorrow after almost a month of work. I had a rather nasty (if I say so myself) bout of Paranoia. This time it was just the paranoia without the voices which has never happened before. Usually the voices lead to the paranoia, which is how I know that I am heading for problems and I can get some help. This time it was just BOOM! The room closing in on me and people watching me all over the office and wherever I went. I still don’t feel 100% but I can’t afford to take anymore time off work. Having said that I may not have a job much longer anyway, I have been on my last warning for the last couple of months. We shall just have to see what the next week or so brings when i go back. It’s time to pony up and be the best Beeper I can.

Until Next Time…

There have been a few subtle changes and additions around here over the past few days. The one I like the most is the Twitter box over on the right hand side of the screen your now looking at. Twitter is a neat way to pass some time. Go here to find out more.

If you look up at the yellow bar under the header you’ll see two new links. one is pictures which says on the tin what it is on the inside. if your using IE7 or Firefox 2.x then if you hover over the box you’ll find a little drop down menu… each box in the drop down leads to a new page. If your using IE6 or less then you may be out of luck, as my blog is not pretty in IE6 (I know I tried it at work).

The other new link up there is a candid look at my bipolar life. I wrote it as a free form thing. It has structure of sorts but there is not real editing in there, so if you see any typos or English errors…. sorry bout that I’ll try harder next time.

That’s the blog news and now about me (oh selfish one that I am)

I am having a hard time keeping my shit together at the moment. Major Paranoia happening. The Psych has me on to new medications amiprozole for the paranoia and lorazapam for the anxiety caused by the paranoia. I have to get back in touch with him next Thursday. I am taking things one day at a time.  don’t know about work, all i know is that I have Pink Floyd playing as i write this and it’s calming my down a little more that the Lorazapam. I think I am going to cook dinner today and do it early… i am boredof eating dinner at 9pm+

That’s it from me this time.. see three posts in one month so far… you lucky lucky people

Until Next Time…

I hate today. I spend the whole day thinking it’s a different time to that which it really is.

You see the clocks went forward today and I spend the whole day every year thinking:
“Oh It’s 3pm… but really it’s only 2pm… but it’s really 3pm”
And by the time I have my head around it being 3pm it’s actually 4pm and I think it’s actually only 3pm. It’s a vicious fucking circle that will take days to break.

In other news after 8 weeks off work I am going back to work tomorrow. New hours and new desk (no doubt). I should say that I was only off sick for three weeks… but I had to wait for clearance from all kinds of doctors to let me go back to work. Basically it took almost double the time to get back to work than I was actually off sick. Go figure eh!!!!

Oh well off to iron my trousers for work tomorrow.

Until Next Time…

So it’s Sunday morning and I am awake at 10am I am on my second cup of coffee and my third or forth cigarette and now II am listening to Virgins… NO not that kid of Virgin, but rather Virgin Classic Rock digital radio station. I realise that most of the music I am listening to was made and realised years before I was born. Which makes me feel not quite as old as I did when i woke up this morning aching like a man who had been around for 40 years past his sell by date. But that is besides the point.

“Who is Peter Frampton anyway?”

Why is my listening to a classic rock station important at this time of the morning any more important than me listening to a classic polka station at 4 in the morning, well you see it’s a medical reason.
Part of my Bipolar Disorder gives me the amazing ability to hear voices that aren’t really there. I hear loads of weird shit at every given moment that there isn’t something audible going on. It’s worse when there is no background noice, speaking doesn’t block it out, it just confuses me, TV helps sometimes but more often that not it’s music that has to be playing.
For the past 15 to 20 days I have been having these little psychotic episodes, I must have listened to Dark Side of the Moon 30 times already. I needed a change
I have been going through my archives and there are some missing pictures here and there so I am going to spend today going through and trying to replace to some of the images that are missing and tidying things up… I have to do something semi constructive. Gotta keep the archives up to date, saves me thinking of anything more useful to do.

Apparently this is Peter Frampton… ohh he’s a pretty boy isn’t he.

Today is just another day. At least that’s my rationalization of it all.

I have been off work for 3 weeks. I have posted maybe once or twice in that time, but in general I have been a zombie for pretty much all of that time. Your probably not asking yourself “why you been off?” But I am gone tell you anyway, my way of coming clean with the world. Pretty much by Monday everyone I come into contact with is gonna know if they don’t already.

I guess you could say, I had a breakdown. I wasn’t handling life too well. I got to a stage where I was hearing voices and shaking uncontrollably. I cut myself in what can only be deemed a subliminal cry for help, I don’t actually remember cutting just it dawning on me that there was blood on the desk and my hand stung like a motherfucker.

I saw the mental health support worker and I got put on some heavy duty drugs to help me out and all they really did was put me to sleep for two and a half weeks.

Fast forward through lots of sleeping and lots of soul searching conversations (with myself and with Linda) and we come to my last day of my “Holiday in Insanity”. I am going back to work Monday, and as many people have asked “Are you ready”, I’ll be damned if I know for sure, but we’ll find out Monday at 8pm, by which time it will be too late to change anything anyway.

I am still on the heavy duty drugs so I still have to be a bit careful how I approach life, and not try and stretch myself to far to quick, but I’ll beat this shit and it won’t kill me.

Oh Well

Until Next Time…

I have been surfing around some of the sites I used to read daily, and they
seem to have lost some of their appeal to me. Maybe it’s because I have
changed so much since I started blogging or maybe the writers moved on in a different direction.

Who knows?

Depression is an expensive passtime to try and get over. So far since I have been off work (8 work days to date) I have been obsessed with buying stuff.
Maybe I am trying to copmpensate for my lack of self esteem by buying my happiness.
I gotta stop though, we don’t have the money.

I have started playing the Ebay game. I see it as a game it makes me happy.
It’s kinda like gambling without the inherant risk involved. I only bid on
things that i actually want and can afford and I only ever bid what I can
afford. I haven’t won shit yet but it’s only a matter of time.. hopefully
this sunday if no one outbids me on the dvd I am bidding on.

Mind you there are times when weakness takes it’s toll like a few minutes
ago when watching a TV auction I bid for a 140 pound watch… the bidding ended
at 26 pounds and everyone pays the lowest price… I just hope They call me back.

Oh Well

Until Next Time…

What’s a guy to do at 2.30 in the morning when he’s out of ammo and staring down the barrell of a sub machine gun which is held in Crackpots slimey Terrorist mitts…
Drop a smoke bomb and run like fuck.

Yep in a fit of bizzare insomnia I re-installed counter strike last night and went a fraggin’. I am not a hardcore L337 gamer or nothing I just enjoy blowing shit up and shooting little pixilated men.. it’s fun.

In an unusual for me show of appriciation I have to say thank you to my wonderful wife… who deserves a post of her own but I don’t have the time (the meds kick in in about 45 minutes and I have shit loads to do).
Over the past two weeks (and beyond) has been a star a diamond and godsend. She has looked after me during some scary crazy shit.

Every woman I have ever posted on this website is nothing compared to the beauty that is my wife. Even though she has her own health issues she has gone on and looked after me and lived on 3 or 4 hours sleep and still working a full time job too boot. I have to find a way to thank her for everything but everything i have come up with is just not enough. If anyone has any ideas please let me know.

Oh Well I gotta run and get ready for today’s Zombiefication.

Until Next Time…