One of the hardest things about having Bi Polar is the medication you have to take to stay on an even keal. In me it saps all my creativity and leaves me a shell of the creative self I used to be.
Before I was diagnosed with Bi Polar and started on the cocktail of meds that I have been subjected to for the past three or so years I used to write poetry and had a wicked sense of humour (so I was told). I used to be spontanious and on the ball, now I have to plan my day around taking medication and remembering when to eat and general mundane everyday stuff.
When I do get a spark of poetic inspiration I tend to write quick. My only problem is that what I write is usually so dark it depresses me even more. I ocassionally think about giving up the medication just to see if I can get my old self back again, even if it’s just a diluted version, it would be better than this pathetic husk I have become.
You may well be asking why the pity party today. No Reason just to much time on my hands and nothing to watch on TV. It’s not really a pity party it’s more of a extrapolation of where my head is at at the moment. I am trying to bring some reason to my life and where I can move myself forward to. I am back to work tomorrow after almost a month of work. I had a rather nasty (if I say so myself) bout of Paranoia. This time it was just the paranoia without the voices which has never happened before. Usually the voices lead to the paranoia, which is how I know that I am heading for problems and I can get some help. This time it was just BOOM! The room closing in on me and people watching me all over the office and wherever I went. I still don’t feel 100% but I can’t afford to take anymore time off work. Having said that I may not have a job much longer anyway, I have been on my last warning for the last couple of months. We shall just have to see what the next week or so brings when i go back. It’s time to pony up and be the best Beeper I can.
There have been a few subtle changes and additions around here over the past few days. The one I like the most is the Twitter box over on the right hand side of the screen your now looking at. Twitter is a neat way to pass some time. Go here to find out more.
If you look up at the yellow bar under the header you’ll see two new links. one is pictures which says on the tin what it is on the inside. if your using IE7 or Firefox 2.x then if you hover over the box you’ll find a little drop down menu… each box in the drop down leads to a new page. If your using IE6 or less then you may be out of luck, as my blog is not pretty in IE6 (I know I tried it at work).
The other new link up there is a candid look at my bipolar life. I wrote it as a free form thing. It has structure of sorts but there is not real editing in there, so if you see any typos or English errors…. sorry bout that I’ll try harder next time.
That’s the blog news and now about me (oh selfish one that I am)
I am having a hard time keeping my shit together at the moment. Major Paranoia happening. The Psych has me on to new medications amiprozole for the paranoia and lorazapam for the anxiety caused by the paranoia. I have to get back in touch with him next Thursday. I am taking things one day at a time. don’t know about work, all i know is that I have Pink Floyd playing as i write this and it’s calming my down a little more that the Lorazapam. I think I am going to cook dinner today and do it early… i am boredof eating dinner at 9pm+
That’s it from me this time.. see three posts in one month so far… you lucky lucky people
This past Friday we all went out to see a Bon Jovi tribute band. It was a good night out. The band sounded hot, the singer was not an exact copy but you could definitely give him kudos for trying… if not trying a little to hard at times. The affected American ac cent he insisted on using all night began to grate after a while. I guess he was trying to give the audience a full “Bon Jovi Experience”, but once you have heard the Jon Bon Jovi speak either in an interview or in concert then you know what he sounds like and no amount of trying is going to replicate that.
What I did dig was the use of links between songs that the band had used themselves, it bought back memories of when I had seen them live. It was uncanny at times I knew what he was going to say and, at times, sing before he did.
What pleased me more than anything though was getting to hear a live band (any band) sing Raise Your Hands and Never Say Goodbye live. Those two songs are real stand outs from the Slippery When Wet album that I have never seen or heard performed live by Bon Jovi. So when they kicked in I was clapping my ass off in thanks.
It was a great night out, something we don’t get to often. The next night out will be a Pink Floyd Tribute band Great Gig In The Sky at the end of July.
On Saturday Linda and I went to her works Lu au (I am letting spell check loose on that one). It too was an OK night.. I really don’t like thing like that especially as I knew no one there… mind you having said that.. the lovely ladies of Morrisons seem to like me as I have never been kissed as much by so many different women than I was that night… well at least since i was a cute chubby baby.. but then they just wanted to “… Just eat my cheeks up whole….”
I got to meet Linda good work friend Mary and her husband and her daughter and good friend from London Ryan. I am lousy at names but they seemed like really good people. So that was a good point of the whole eveneing.. I even got to take a snakebite bath towards the end of the night… Snake bite for those not in the know is English Cider and Beer with Blackcurrant juice mixed together and it’s lethal when drunk in large quantities… luckily I saved them a hangover when someone poured a whole pitcher of the stuff over me.
Yesterday was Lindas’ birthday and we got her a DS and a couple of Brain Training games to go with it.. that should keep her quiet and occupied when she is on her own. We had a chinese meal for dinner and we all seemed to enjoy it… even if the Pancake rolls were rank leftovers that shouldn’t be fed to a pig let alone a human being… not bad for a meal from a new takeaway that we hadn’t used before.. you live and learn as they say.
Def Leppard have a new album out. Songs From The Sparkle Lounge.
It’s a damn fine return to form by the boys from Sheffield. I had a quick listen to the new album and I can whole heartedly say that it really is a great set of tunes.
The stand out though has to be the first single Nine Lives. It’s a collaboration between Def Leppard and Tim McGraw.
Yesterday at work, it was a long one, the young lady sat behind me made a noise like an Ewok. I made comment that she had made said noise and was met with a blank stare in as much to say
“What language do you speak?”
I tried to explain what an Ewok was and where they come from and was only met with more blank looks from the other young ladies on the desk behind. They too had no idea what an Ewok was.
It was at that point when my head started to spin as i asked them how old they were and what year they were born. They were all 18 or 19 and none of them born before 1988. It was at that very moment I realised how old i really was and that in no short time I would be checking for grey pubic hairs and wondering why a nice cup of tea sounds like a much preferable idea to a night on the beer with the lads…. (Any of you know me then you know that a night out with the lads is a non-existent thing with me anyway … but you get the idea)
I am 33, 34 in exactly one months time and I think I am going to be needing a share options in Just For Men soon.
( by the way this is an Ewok in case any KIDS out there are wondering what this old fart is on about)
I hate today. I spend the whole day thinking it’s a different time to that which it really is.
You see the clocks went forward today and I spend the whole day every year thinking:
“Oh It’s 3pm… but really it’s only 2pm… but it’s really 3pm”
And by the time I have my head around it being 3pm it’s actually 4pm and I think it’s actually only 3pm. It’s a vicious fucking circle that will take days to break.
In other news after 8 weeks off work I am going back to work tomorrow. New hours and new desk (no doubt). I should say that I was only off sick for three weeks… but I had to wait for clearance from all kinds of doctors to let me go back to work. Basically it took almost double the time to get back to work than I was actually off sick. Go figure eh!!!!
Oh well off to iron my trousers for work tomorrow.
It was a weird Sunday, it snowed, it rained, it shined, it blew. It did all of that just on Sunday morning.
Linda had the day off so after we all got up and watched the Malaysian Grand Prix we went back to bed… I did cook a rather nice breakfast during the last quarter of the race but it was all over bar the shouting by then anyway. Hamilton did well considering the crapy deals he was dealt throughout the race.
Once we all got back up and were awake we decided on making Easter Sunday a Chocolate and Movie Day.
First movie up was 2007 Beowulf. The animated version, not the pants Sci Fi channel one.
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The movie itself is shot for 3D cinema viewing and some would say that it doesn’t really work for the small screen, I disagree. You don’t need all the bells and whistles of 3D to see the mega amount of work that went into the animation of this movie. The voice work is excellent. From Ray Winstones Beowulf who was rather insistent that he was “… There to Kill their MONSTER”, to the Gollumised(ack) language of Grendal it all worked for me and even Mum and Linda commented on the great casting.
The Story is the same story that is always told can’t really change a historical story can you? I don’t know much about the original story but it was more fleshed out that the aforementioned Sci Fi version. It expanded on the story behind Beowulfs Tryst with Grendals Mother.
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Thsi was definatly the better movie of the two we watched on Sunday. The second movie being the Uwe Boll craptastic In The Name Of The King - A Dungeon Siege Story.
This film is basically a sword and sorcery rip off movie. It rips on every decent fantasy movie that has been released in the last ten years. It’s biggest rip is Lord of the Rings. It seems that Boll has tried to cram over 12 hours of LOTR into 100 minutes of In The Name.
The Krul are rips of the Orcs
Jason Stathems Character is a combination of Frodo and Aragorn
The Krul on Horses are rips of the Ring Wraiths.
It was just a mess there were no redeeming features of this film at all. One wonders why such stars as Ray Liotta and John Rhys-Davies were thinking when they signed up for this mess. Oh well I tried it and for once I found next to nothing amusing about this film. Here are a couple of pics for the film:
