Spnak.com

I been down so god-damn long… it looks like up to me….
I been down so Very very long… It looks like up to me…

I know Jim Morrison didn’t write that, but it was his version I was listening to last night and I’ll be damned if it’s not stuck in my head today. What makes it even more ironic is that I actually can relate to the emotion and the words of this song.

I started writing and it started to flow and t he all of a sudden I had written about the dark side again, about suicide and how it woudl all be so easy to end everything. It’s strange because I was and am writing at work and it’s very bitty the way I can write here. Calls always interupting the flow, but for some reason today it’s a constant stream of bullshit. I don’t want to feel the way I do, I want to feel the shiney happy people feelings.

OK I had to stop posting at work it got to busy, so now I am home and carrying on… not that you really needed to know that, but if it seems a little more disjointed than usual then there you have it.

(more…)

For the second Saturday in a row I am working 8am-12noon. Not a massive shift but it’s a slow shift. Last week I ended up playing the Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy game on the BBC website.. this week I blog..muhahahaha.

It’s not that I am bored, but rather trying to avoid boredom. If I set out to do something on these quieter shifts i feel like I have accomplished something.
My life has to be about goals at the moment. I need things to work towards to help me get from day to day and to fight of the next impending depression.

I wish I was a good Manic Depressive that can sense when his attacks are coming, but I can’t… not yet at least. My next session with the shrinks is going to involve working out a trigger list (there was an official name for it but i don’t remember this early in the morning). Jayne (my lovely mental health support worker)has been a real help in getting me this far and making time for me when my life wasn’t working the way I wanted it. Some people say bad things about the NHS but I have nothing but praise for everyone I have had dealings with.

If anyone actually reads this then you may notice a slight change in style of my writing.. I am trying out a new plain talk no bullshit approach. There may be the odd fluffy expressive moment when I can drag my creativity out of retirement (not of choice)

Basically it’s time to get vocal and basic again. Watch This Space I will be back.

Until Next Time